• Kevin Luke

Get away! You are smothering me!!!

#smothered, #Relationship, Suffocated, #Ego, #Smothering, #fulfilled, #Life

I wish I lived in a world where no matter what happened in your relationship — within reason, I’m not condoning cheating or anything here — everything could easily work itself out.

I know it’s not realistic, but I’m willing to put on my rose-colored glasses when things get really hard.

I think one of the hardest things to remember in a relationship, and something I am constantly going back to every day, is that a relationship is supposed to be two people who are able to have their own thoughts, friends, and lives, yet can come home at night and be with the person they love.

Let me explain.
When you become too dependent on your significant other, it becomes unthinkable that you would do anything without that person.

You might find yourself wondering if he would be okay with you going out to the movies with your best friend or refusing to make a decision about your own personal life until you get some advice from your partner.

I’m not saying it’s bad to want to do everything with your significant other, but it’s not exactly healthy either.

Think of it this way: You should want to be able to be your own person outside of your relationship in addition to having a relationship.

Of course, smothering each other isn’t good. But neither is ghosting each other for no reason. A relationship needs to find its happy middle, which is actually a LOT harder than it sounds.

I am still learning every day about my partner and how to stay happy in my relationship while still being my own person.

Have you ever felt like you were being smothered in a relationship?

Have you been told that you are smothering your partner in your relationship?

I asked a question on Quora and received some good answers, check the question and its answers, and maybe ad an answer of your own at Quora

1. What does it mean to be smothered?

The term being smothered can relate to two things, a physical smothering, suffocation, or an emotional one. The meaning in the two realms, the physical and emotional, mean the same thing, and they have the same effect on the individuals. I would also venture to say the reason why one is smothering the other comes from the same root cause, that is a sense of power and of entitlement!

Let me break this down.

When one is being smothered, in the physical sense, means that they are being suffocated, they cannot breathe. It means that they are being attacked by someone else that their entire life and essence is in danger. It gives a feeling of being powerless, if they remain in the current situation. It will also put them in a state of submission, they have no control. When this happens all one can think of or all the one that is being smothered can do is try to get away and run as hard and far as possible.

When it comes to the emotional smothering, the one being smothered by their, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife, have the same emotional and physical responses as the ones being physically suffocated. They feel trapped, and like they cannot breathe, that someone else is in control and manipulating them. This gives them a sense of danger and all they want to do is get away!

2. Why do we do this?

Just why do we do this? I believe that in most cases it just happens, with no conscious thought or effort. A man or a woman does not get up one morning and think, well, I think I will go and intimidate, manipulate, and hurt the one that I love today. I will even do it in such a way that they will never want to speak to me again. Matter of fact I think that I will do it over and over, more and more, not listen to them and just keep it up.

Granted, there are some with narcissistic personalities that do and will do this, but overall, I do not think so.

Why then, if we are not narcissistic to that point, why do we do this?

In most cases, we do not realize that we are smoothing the other. We are just going on, doing what we do, what we think our partner likes or wants and it just happens. Without warning our partner feels trapped, smothered and runs. Could it be a subconscious action, it sure sounds that way. Is it our own nasty ego getting in the way of our happiness once again. Once this ego becomes involved it then blinds us to any information to the contrary that we are doing anything wrong.

The Ego causes us to self-destruct, once again, in our relationship. Then once the relationship is over, it protects itself and what it did, by making us believe that it was the fault of the other person. I know I have spoken about this in many of my past blogs, but I must say it again, we need to stop submitting our thought process to our ego, our ego is not our friend.

3. Just how do we do this?

Here are some of the answers that I received on my question on Quora

Jason Hill, studied at Twin Bridges, MT

By making it clear that if they are giving their attention to anyone other than you it will not be accepted….and they will pay for it if they do by having to appease your dramatic temper tantrums over unrelated shit that doesn’t really matter. Because you didn’t get what you want and you FEEL you are entitled to….their undivided attention which means is your way of securing their undivided affection. Which is really what you’re afraid of want and afraid of losing.

C.M. Sherman, Photographer (2016-present)

By obsessing and needing to know where they are and what they are doing and wanting to be involved in everything they do.

Michael Yost, former Sales and Restaurant Management (1985-200

When you see yourself doing at least 3 more expressions of your love than she does and starts to resent the imbalance.

This last one really opened my own eyes, to what I had been doing in a former relationship and did not realize what I did, what I really did until I read Michaels response to my question. I though that I was doing everything right, I was doing nice things, things that she said that she liked. She told me to stop, I did not, I was blinded to what I was doing, the pain that it was causing, the smothering that I was doing.

My own ego just would not let go and I surged ahead, thinking that I was doing things top bring us closer, but in fact I was driving a wedge between us. Then when she left me, of course, I found every way to blame her, when in fact it was me. She warned me and told me, but I would not listen, my ego had closed my ears and eyes.

I will not do this again; I finally have learned! It sure took long enough. That is one thing about loss in a relationship, loss of someone that you truly love. Once you recognize, once you stop placing the blame on the other one, and take a honest look at yourself and your actions, you will begin to see your mistakes, begin to see how you caused pain, and see how your actions destroyed everything.

When this happens, you will be able to see your ego for what it is, for what it has done and will continue to do, if you allow it. Now you can start making the changes. It will not happen overnight. Though your ego will raise its head and make you think that it does.

It took me months to stop placing the blame on her and begin to look at myself. It took more months to realize what I did and make changes. Then each time I thought I had finally come to the full realization of what happened and what I did, I came to a deeper realization of the errors of my ways, and saw with more clarity what I had done and what I still had to do.

4. What are the signs that we are smothering someone?

They will tell us, all we must do is listen, watch, hear, and see.

5. How can we avoid or correct this?

As I said we can avoid this by hearing and seeing. How do we correct this? We can correct ourselves by not listening to and following our ego, follow our soul instead. It will open your eyes and ears to what you are doing. How do we correct a relationship after we have damaged it by doing this? I do not know; I will let you know once I find out. Let me change that. I do not know if a relationship can be brought back to life after such a destruction, but once you have done such, stop, that is what I was told, by many, but would not listen. Stop, doing what you are doing. Stop listening to your ego and just stop already.

Walk away, disconnect, even though you may love them more than anything else in the world, walk away! Give them space and time to heal. Give them time to catch their breathe and become alive once again. There is nothing that you can do that will change or heal the damage that you have done. It is all up to them to discover within themselves if they still love you or not.

It is said that time heals all wounds, I’m still waiting to see if this is true.

Here is a biblical reference out of psalm 32, that can give some perspective

2 You bless them by saying,
“You told me your sins,
without trying to hide them,
and now I forgive you.”
3 Before I confessed my sins,
my bones felt limp,
and I groaned all day long.
4 Night and day your hand
weighed heavily on me,
and my strength was gone
as in the summer heat.
5 So I confessed my sins
and told them all to you.
I said, “I'll tell the Lord
each one of my sins.”
Then you forgave me
and took away my guilt…

A relationship with the Lord is much like a romantic relationship here on the earth. In the Psalm, King David speaks about confessing his sins. What does confessing your sins mean? Does it mean telling God, though prayer everything that you did wrong? No, he already knows what you did wrong. Is it telling your minister or priest while sitting in a box everything that you did that was sinful. No, not really.

We confess our sins to ourselves. This means that we come to the realization that what we did was wrong, that we sinned and that we need to correct something within ourselves. Sometimes that takes prayers, multiple even, where one struggles with themselves and fights with their own thoughts and of course their ego to finally realize and confess to themselves that they were wrong. That is why we pray to God about it. That is why some go into confessional booths. So, they can talk things out, and think about what they did, and the repercussions of their actions.

Likewise, though, one can pray all they want, tell their priest or minister as many things as they like, but unless they come to that realization that they were wrong, that they made mistakes, that they hurt others or God through their actions, it will make no difference. Sins were forgiven by the sacrifice of the Lord Jesus. What we need to do though it realize and correct our actions and thoughts where we do not show love and kindness to others. Change our ways where we do not show our love for the Lord God almighty. We must follow the spirit of God, though our Soul, so we can be called children of God. If we follow our own spirit, our own ways, if we follow our own ego, we cannot be called children of God.

It is our goal to build a loving relationship with the Lord God, the same way we want to build true loving relationships with others on this earth. We do not want to hurt or cause pain, but always uplift and praise in both cases. Please, do not let the human ego lead you down the path to a spiritual or natural destruction in your relationships, be truthful, trusting and loving.

I guess, for myself, my blogs have become my confessional. More than that though they are a way for me to be a help to others. That is one thing with going through difficulties in your life. They make you, force you to reset and think about yourself and what you have been though. We need to constantly be learning and growing. In the past year I finally found my calling in life, what I want to do, that is to help others in their effort live a more fulfilling life, one that is alignment with their goals. That is why I became a life coach at Kevin's your fulfilled life coaching

Give me a chance, let me give you a hand with what you are going though right now. Let me help you, guide you so you can answer the questions that are going though your mind right now. We all have questions, we all face problems, talking to someone can help you, help you figure out the solution to your problems. Let’s find your calling in life, let me help you improve your relationships. Give yourself the kind of life, become the person that you always wanted to become, that you always thought that you were. Just click on this link, and let’s have a session together, I will even give you some free time as an intro if you schedule a session, so click on the link and move forward with a more fulfilled life, just click here for a fulfilled life.