• Kevin Luke

Guilt, the great destroyer of lives!!!!

Updated: Mar 21, 2019

“I've got a bad case of the 3:00 am guilts - you know, when you lie in bed awake and replay all those things you didn't do right? Because, as we all know, nothing solves insomnia like a nice warm glass of regret, depression and self-loathing.” D.D. Barant, Dying Bites

I have concluded that guilt has destroyed countless lives, has broken up more relationships and families over the years than anything else

I have spoken to and been a counselor to many over the years regarding a diversity of problems and difficulties that many friends and others were going through. There were health problems, drug and alcohol abuse, and relationship problems to name a few. Also, we can add to that general family and work problems

Though it was not always obvious at the time but looking back I have found a common thread on all of them. Many times, or almost all the time it was unspoken but in reviewing each case, knowing each individual everyone or almost everyone had some sort of guilt problem from the past that had affected them in one form or another

This hidden guilt problem had affected their decision making and had become such a blockage in their psyche that it had become a stumbling block in their decision making and how they perceived themselves and others

1. Guilt for things they did or did not do

2. Guilt for things done by others

3. Guilt for what others had done to them

4. Guilt, just because

So much with guilt is nothing more than perception. If you think that you did something wrong, made a mistake, maybe said the wrong thing at the wrong time, basically did something that you perceive to be wrong, even if you actually did or did not do, then a feeling of guilt comes over you. This guilt can affect you for a short time, then you move on, or depending on circumstances and at times things that happened in the past, it can affect you and nagging at you for a lifetime.

All guilt, in most people, will effect, how they think or how and what they do in one extreme or the other, but it is this long term guilt that can have devastating effects on an individual, and those around them

In society if someone commits a crime, they are put on trial and if found guilty, depending on the crime, they are put into prison or punished in one way or the other, it all depends on the severity of the crime.

With personal guilt it is much the same, but in this case we are our own judge and jury. We can or do decide ourselves punishment from a feeling of a little regret, to a lifetime in our own personal prison without an opportunity parole.

All too often it comes to perception.

In a court of law, the prosecuting and defense attorneys will craft their arguments create the perception in the minds of a jury of the guilt or innocence of the person that has been charged with a crime too many times the side that is better at the creation of this perception, of guilt or innocence, will win the verdict in their favor, if it is the right one or not. That is how, at times the guilty go free, and to many times the innocent is sent to prison

The attorneys will begin crafting their arguments and building the perception, of guilt or innocence, with high profile cases months before the trial even begins. The person will begin to be tried in the court of public opinion. In some cases the defense attorneys or the prosecuting attorneys or both, along with defendant and police officers will be on the news every night speaking of the case and why their side is correct and the other wrong,

A good example of this happened in Chicago a couple of years ago. A police officer shot and killed a suspect, something that is not to uncommon in Chicago. In this case though the police officer shot the suspect 16 times as the suspect was walking away. On top of that it was all caught on police body cam video. For over a year when we watched the news, we would see the video and hear how this police officer shot this person 16 times.

Why do they do this?

They do this, because they know once a perception has been created In someone’s mind, it is hard, at times near impossible, to change that perception. The same is true on a personal level.

Once we think or perceive that:

We did something wrong That we hurt someone That we got hurt, but it’s our own fault That something that someone else does is ultimately our fault Or something that we do is bad or bad for us

If any of these are true or not, once we perceive they are we can begin to punish ourselves and beat ourselves up! This is where we begin to put ourselves into the prison of guilt. This is when it begins to affect our lives and the lives of those we love in a negative way. Once this perception begins to take hold it will dig itself deeper and deeper into our psyche and it will find a home and begin to grow and multiply.

So exactly how does it grow and multiply?

Say we do or say something and after we feel guilty over it, no big deal, depending on the severity of the consequences of our actions. The guilt feelings will pass over time with many or maybe most people in some fashion or the other. In some cases, though, maybe depending on how someone was raised, or their nature, or their life experiences, it doesn’t end there.

With some the guilt will bother them, keep on raising its head, from time to time, when one faces similar situations. It just doesn’t go away and becomes a string tying you down then something else happens and another string is there and another and another. Before long it becomes difficult to move or make decisions in fear that you will hurt yourself or someone else.

Guilt will do this by lowering your self-esteem and self-confidence. It sucks the self-esteem and self-confidence right out of you. The lower your esteem and confidence becomes, the more cautious you become and as you experience situations in life, that to most are just the average everyday occurrence, no big deal, to you they become another source of guilt, another mistake and everything begins to pile up. Your own feelings of guilt just grow and grow to the point where you begin to feel guilty over almost everything. This can go as far as not taking the last piece of cake or candy or taking too much because someone else may want it. If you do take it, the guilt overwhelms you because you feel that you took something that someone else wanted.

Guilt is a powerful tool, it is used all the time in an attempt to control what people do or think.

1 Advertisers use it regularly.

They use it to make you feel guilty for not buying their products. To feel guilty that you or your family will not have as good of life as you could have if you don’t get what they are selling in extreme cases they will try to convince you that if you don’t get what they want you to purchase, you just might bring harm to others, especially your loved ones.

A good example of this are drug manufacturers. They will advertise that unless you receive their shot or take their drug you just may cause your loved ones, children or even grandchildren to get sick and maybe even die. Or there are the charities who show pictures of sick and abused animals and how you, by giving them a few cents a day can save this poor starving and abused animal. What they do not tell you is that much of your donation does not go to help the animal.

2 Politicians use it

So they can shape and change public opinions, so they can be elected or so they get a majority to support something that they normally would not.

3 People use it on each other

Some people, especially narcissistic ones will use it to control you and put you down. They can naturally sense in you a lower self-esteem and they will utilize this to lift themselves up at your expense. They will harm someone physically or emotionally just to have control and use guilt to make you believe it is your fault. Guilt is one of the tools that child molesters and child and spousal abusers use to control the ones they hurt and abuse.

4 Some parents use it on their children

It is used as a way to punish and control their kids or to blame them for things maybe at times as a way to teach them. Or just to divert blame away from themselves and use their children as a scapegoat

5 Spouses use it

As a means of control, punishment and blame.

None of these are right or good to do. The first two are just dishonest and wrong. The last three can be devastating to the individual, especially to children. The children are most susceptible to it. They have not formed the emotional stability yet to fully understand. When children experience the last three or see it happen to others, especially someone they look up to and love, it can lay down in them those first strings that begin to bind them and set their life spinning out of control

What are the effects of guilt

As I mentioned earlier low self-esteem is a major effect. This can lead to problems with trusting others, which can lead to relationship problems. There is alcohol and drug abuse, as the individual tries to cover the pain of the guilt and deal with the problems that the guilt has caused

Guilt is a difficult thing to get rid of and recover from, I know I suffered from it for years. I have had many ups and downs in my life, with each one leaving a mark on me. I had a speech impediment as a child which lead to a great deal of teasing a which also had a negative effect on me going further back when I was about 5, I was molested or fondled by an older neighbor boy, which also left its marks on me. Some of this you can read in my book The Lord will Provide, plus some of my journey back to a more stable life

I have gone through some painful experiences to help me to cause me to change and get rid of years of guilt. Now I would like to help others, with what I have learned through personal experiences to heal their pain and guilt and set them on a course to a fulfilled life. Click on the link and make an appointment I will even give you a free 30 introductory session. So, click and start your journey to a fulfilled life

A friend of mine questioned me on being a life coach. She said my life is all screwed up who would want me as a life coach. Here again the use of another type of guilt. I thought about it and said why not? Yes, my life has had its ups and downs. I have messed up a few times, but I’m still here.

I have been knocked down and kicked by life, only to crawl back up again just to be sucker punched down then claw myself back. I have been where you are right now. I understand, I can feel your pain because I have probably lived through it myself at one time or the other.

Who would you rather have as a life coach, someone who knows theories and can give you some nice meams, or someone who has actually lived life and knows what they are talking about. Someone who has personal experiences and knows firsthand what you are going through

You can read some of my troubles from the past in the book The Lord will provide.

I’ll give you an abridged idea of what is in there and some of the mistakes I have made.

1. Got engaged to a woman a month after meeting her- did not end well. My first almost wedding

2. Met and got engaged to someone else, this time 6 months. called off the wedding the night before only to renew our engagement 5 months later and got married 3. Near death experience 4. Comma 5. Going from making 200,000.00 a year to business failure, house foreclosure 4 years later Loving a woman who does not love me back and working for months, trying to get her back letting my imagination run wild making up signs that she actually does love me

Get my book, check me out, learn my history, it’s all in there, and more , except for the last one I mentioned. Then decide if I can help you and be your life coach. I don’t know if any other life coach, maybe there is, that will give you their full honest history, be willing to tell you everything about them, the good and the bad before you hire them. That is how confident I am in my abilities and that I can help you with what you are going through. So get my book, check me out sign up as a member of the website, follow my blog ask me anything about me that you want then hire me, I know that you will because I can help Yes that is another thing I do, I put myself all out there, I’m here, I’m me and I am who I am and I don’t easily give up

A friend sent me this on this subject:

We must first pray,repent and ask the Lord God to forgive us,and then who we wronged,but most importantly forgive ourselves. If,Jesus can forgive,why we can't forgive ourselves? Guilty conscience means they didn't repent,pray and was not sincere when they prayed!