• Kevin Luke

Hurting Others by our own self-serving actions

Updated: Apr 13, 2019

“When you blame others, what you are really saying is what is inside of you can’t be fixed, so you have no control of your own happiness. Therefore, you have made the conscience choice to give focus and fuel to a bad situation that will take you nowhere and give you nothing, but ignorance and pain.” ― Shannon L. Alder

There are so many ways that we hurt others, the odd misspoken word, here or there, misplaced actions and deeds or not being there for them. These all play a role in our life, our relationships and interaction as part of society, this happens because to many times because

  • We were just not thinking.

  • We did not know all the information.

  • We did not see what was going on.

  • We were just too focused on ourselves and our wants and desires that we did not realize or even care about what the other person was going through.

I have done this many a time, I’m sure that everyone has. All too often though we do not want to look at it or realize, admit to, what we have done or are doing. This is especially true about the last point that I made. As I look back on my life, my relationships, I can now see how I was to focused on myself and what I wanted, my fears and my hurt, that I did not realize all the pain I was causing the one that I loved. This, of course, became a stumbling block in the relationship and it ended badly. This was true in my marriage, other relationships that I have had over the years and especially true with my last, the best relationship that I had ever had, no mater how short it was, before I crashed and burned once again.

Because we are so focused on ourselves, on our fears and pain, we do not see the real reasons why, in the case of a relationship, it fell apart. This is never truer as in the cases that it fell apart because of our own actions, our own ego. When things do end, break apart, then we want to blame the other person for our pain and loss, rather than looking at ourselves.

“When someone is hurt and we hear ourselves saying "I don't understand, why" PAUSE At the pause, ask "What am I missing here ?" At the pause, stop judging, stop reacting, get curious and believe their hurt state At the pause, tap into their heart and mind. Now see how this pause transforms the conversation.” ― Good Reads Quotes

We just do not understand why? Why they do not love us anymore? What happened? Why did they do this to us?

Why, why, why!

We do not see, we do not understand because we are looking at them, rather than looking at ourselves! We want to blame them for our actions, our thoughts, our craziness!

Our #ego will not admit that’ it was our fault, so it must be their fault! When we are in a relationship and this begins to happen and the relationship begins to fall apart, unless we change our thinking the relationship is doomed to die a slow and painful death.

We become to focused on our pain and we do not realize or want to comprehend the pain that we are causing our loved one and others around us. Especially those who try to help us though the pain.

Our inner focus can become so great that it becomes like a black hole sucking in all life and energy that comes near to it. It just sucks and sucks from everywhere and everyone. Then when our ego does not get what it wants any longer from those around us, it again places blame on them for any our problems and hurt.

When it comes to the failed relationship, our ego, will keep on trying to reconnect with the one that we were close to and love, try more and more ways to get back what was lost, but it only causes more pain and drives the one we want, the one we love further away. Then again, of course, it places more blame on them for not giving us what we want.

I was in a relationship, I thought I was doing what she wanted, but it was what I wanted. I was doing things that I thought would being us closer together, but they were driving us apart. I was doing what I wanted, and I was not listening to her, what she was telling me, what she needed. My actions were causing her pain, and I just would not see it. It came to the point that she just could not take it anymore and she ended it by cutting me off, removing me from her life.

Now that time has passed, I can now see what I was doing, what I had done. How it really was me and not her. I was the fool and I lost, drove away the best thing that I had in my life, now I fear that there is no going back.

Now that I'm no longer just concerned over myself, consumed with my own pain and fears, I can realize the pain that I was putting her through. I'm so sorry, not for myself, but for what I did to her. She did not deserve what I did. I should have been more open and understanding. Now I cannot even tell her, apologize for my actions because she refuses to speak to me or have any contact with me.

That is a problem that we all face. Too many times we cannot undo the words that are spoken, the deeds that are done. We cannot go back and heal the pain and sorrow that we caused in someone else’s life. We just cannot go back to the start and do it all over again. All that we can do is learn from our past mistakes and not do them again.

The hope is that we do learn from what we live though. Some learn this right away, others it takes months or years if ever. For myself it has taken many years, with multiple failed romances to finally realize what I was doing wrong. It was not until the deep sorrow and pain that I caused myself in my last one that I finally opened my eyes and recognized my own faults and decided to do something about them that I finally learned and changed.

We can often wonder, I know that I have, why we keep living though the same thing repeatedly. The same battles, the same hurts, the same loss. It comes down to that we do not learn from our mistakes! We do not want to see our faults that are causing our own problems. We are constantly blaming things around us, those around us for our difficulties rather than looking at ourselves and what we do that are causing our own problems.

This extends to more than relationships, but it is a problem that can affect every aspect of our life.

  • Problems in our family life

Do you have problems parents or siblings, maybe extended family? Could some of the problem, which it is much of the time, be caused by your own attitude, perception or that you just are aggravated by what they do or say? There are too many families today that have not spoken to one another in years, just because something was done or said. Life is short, we cannot let the problems of the past affect us in that way. There should be peace and reconciliation. There is no greater support system than one’s family.

  • Problems with our children

How is your relationship with your children? I know this can present a problem to many parents as their children grow and form their own lives. In some cases, the parents still want to control and lives of the children, as if they are still young, and of course the older child will ofttimes rebel against this and separation arises. I know of some children that have not had any contact with their parents in years and visa versa. If parent or child there must be a deep pain because of this. Bring peace to the parent child relationship. Talk things out, move on and come together once again

  • Problems with friendships

When we were younger friendships were so easy, even if you had a disagreement or a fight, the next day it would be forgotten, and you would be playing together again, as if nothing happened. As we grow into adulthood, we begin to hold grudges, we also develop more of our own ideas that do not necessarily align with the ideas of friends. This can cause pain and hurt in the individuals and long, strong friendships can be destroyed in just a few moments.

  • Problems in our work life

Do you have problems with your boss? With your coworkers? Are there those at work that just rub you the wrong way? Why is this? Was there a misunderstanding, or something was said that was taken the wrong way which caused a problem that just festered? How about with customers or clients, do you do things that just kind of drive some away. Problems in these areas can become very serious, we spend much of our waking hours at our work, why spend it in an environment of pain and separation. All these not only hurt you but they hurt your business or company. Let peace rule and not disagreement.

Our egos cause us to become so self-focused, that we do not realize that problems that we are causing for ourselves and others. We do not see that we are driving others away, driving family and friends away, driving coworkers and customers away because we are only looking at ourselves and our own problems and have no consideration for others.

…the ego is responsible for mediating impulses and desires with responsible, socially-acceptable actions. But those with excessive egos do not adequately balance their desires with action; instead, they act on what is most self-serving, instantaneous, and beneficial – otherwise known as immediate gratification….

This is nothing new, it has been a problem since the dawn of humanity. Everyone is taught to look out for number one, that is look out for yourself and do not worry about others. The thing is by doing this, by being so self-focused on what you want, focused on your pain and on your ego, you are not only hurting others, but you are hurting yourself. So, by focusing on yourself the pain that you are going through, the pain that you want to avoid is actually caused by you and your own actions.

You are hurting yourself!!

It is time that we end this cycle of pain for others and ourselves. We need to take concern for others, concern for their feeling, we need to listen to what they are telling us, and not listing to ourselves and what we want to believe they are saying or what they want.

This was a central point to the teaching of the Lord Jesus Christ. That we love others as much as we love ourselves. That we show kindness to others and not lead by our own selfish desires and thoughts.

We can do this by following the spirit of God, rather than our own will and ways. By following our soul rather than our ego. If we follow the spirit of God, then we can be called Children of God. Likewise, if we follow our own ideas and will then we are not children of God but the children of perdition.

This is something that we all should work on, it is in our nature, it is how we are. We need to overcome such things. Then we will find more happiness and fulfillment in our lives. This is one of the focuses of my many life coaching courses. Click on my website, Your Fulfilled Life, and sign up for one. I will even offer you a special session if you do, a great value just to check things out. Follow and subscribe my blog by entering your email address then you can chat with me and we can work out all the details.